I am me
Always will be
Lost in my own parallel
I break from reality

Slowly losing grip
I sit and repent
Relentless is time
I am chastised

Cast aside what is
Brilliant to what isn’t
Repelled to what was
Killing by instinct

Strike to those
Fearing the known
Feeling the gearing
No control of feeling

Caring yet not
Loving yet not
Fixed yet not
Calm yet not

Controlled by unknown
Losing to unknown
Masked to true fault
Reveled by no thought


I say Mama Mamamoo…

Unapologetically Themselves 🙂
Left to Right:
Moonbyul Solar Wheein Hwasa

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present Mamamoo a top-notch K-Pop Girl group that doesn’t fit into any category. Their uniqueness is what makes them great beyond measures.

Let me introduce each member:

Solar: The eldest, born February 21, 1991; she is the Main Vocalist of the group and amateur rapper. She is also one half of MoonSun, as well as, YongKong(Solar) and ByulKong(Moonbyul). She is always compared to Squirtle because of how round and chubby her face is, and let’s face it when you see her face she sort of have an resemblance to the Pokemon. She is also made fun of by her members as well as by Moomoos (fandom) for being a Yeba(Pretty Fool). She is pretty much mostly the butt of jokes, but in a loving way. Since she is easily tricked, by her members, especially Moonbyul, she always seems like the member who gets bullied by her younger members. But, she faces it with stride, because she always makes up for it by just laughing it off and just getting them back later by pulling pranks on them. She also has her own YouTube Channel called Solarsido, where she pretty much vlogs her everyday life, from learning new dance moves to learning how to box, getting pole dancing lessons and just spending the day at home.

Moonbyul: The second oldest, born December 22, 1992; she is the Main Rapper, and Dancer of the group, she is also a vocalist. She is the other half of MoonSun and YongKong and ByulKong; she is also nicknamed Byuli. According to her group members as well as Moomoos, she is the greasy one in the group; greasy in meaning, she is the most cringe-worthy one in the group. She is practically like a guy, she does things and does certain gestures that make her greasy. For example, she once on a variety show called Weekly Idol, showed a sleazy version of Baby Shark. She is also considered the group Girl Crush, as she is the one member most girls gravitate to, like how girls gravitate to Girl Crush idols in guy groups. With her mannerisms she likes that attention; she even on a variety show called Idol Party, she discussed why she preferred to be addressed as handsome, “because many girls are called pretty, and it’s nice for a woman to be called handsome.” In a way, it can be perfectly addressed to her since she can easily be a doppelganger for Exo’s Xiumin and BTOB’s Minhyuk.

Wheein: The third member of Mamamoo, born April 17, 1995; is the Lead Vocalist of the group as well as Lead Dancer. She also is an amateur rapper like Solar. Wheein is often called Wheepup by her members and their fan base, because of how cute and lovable she is. She is also a huge Bruno Mars fan. She and Hwasa have known one another since middle school, and their bond has never been stronger. Besides being the cute and lovable one in the group, she also is the one that pretty much is the shyest out of the four. It was proven when she was on a reality show called Secret Unnie, and she was paired up with Hyoyeon of Girls Generation. Pretty much Wheein was getting the big sister experience, since she is an only child. It took a while for her to open up with her television older sister, but eventually, she did. Even though she might seem reserved she is the opposite of just that, especially when it comes to their fan meetings, at first she might seem quiet, but once the ball starts rolling nothing can stop her. Even though she is cute and lovable, there is one thing she tolerates and is always asked to do, whether it’s her fans, group members or variety show hosts, and that is Aegyo; which is an affectionate and cute way to speak to either a girlfriend or boyfriend; it can also make a person cringe. But, this has been popularized by K-Idols and always in high demand by their fans. So almost all the time she has to do it.

Hwasa: Last, but not least, born July 23, 1995; she is called the Maknae since she is the youngest in the group. She is also Lead Vocalist as well as Lead Rapper. Her nickname besides Maknae, is also Hwalion, only because during a Christmas special for a music show called Inkigayo, her golden hair got caught in her antlers as they were dancing to their second popular single Piano Man, making her look as though she was a lion. From that day on she is known as Hwalion. She also is super obsessed with Rihanna. Even though she is the youngest she doesn’t even seem as though she is the youngest. She has this aura that she carries, which makes her very attractive and sexy. She is pretty much the Femme Fatal which also makes her the controversial one in the group. Since she doesn’t look like the average K-Pop girl idol, because of her curves, she is always criticized for her size, especially because she always wears less than the others. She even gets attacked for her fashion sense and the way she carries herself, making it difficult at times for her to face people. Even though she gets caught in controversy, she doesn’t let that bring her down, she even proved that in their new hit song HIP. And of course, she and Wheein have been friends since middle school. She even has a funny side to her, as a rookie she had written a song called Pink Panties, a parody to Blurred Lines. For fun, she and her members made a video for the song for their fans.

Individually they are unique human beings, but together they are a total mess, but in a good way. Besides being great friends they are like a loving family. They are so close that they know so much about each other, they even know how to turn on each other, but keep their love for one another and not hold grudges. A good example would be when they had a huge fan meeting before their first official concert tour, and they had to play a game where each member was put in the hot seat and the other members had to speak about their worst personality traits, and quirks, while using voice changers. Even though they really raised the stakes, they still love one another. They love each other so much that they are very playful with one another, it can go from being lovingly playful to cringe-worthy playful. Another example of how much they love one another would be the one time Solar and Moonbyul who used to live with one another had a huge fight, to the point that they even were ignoring one another during their performances, their feud ended after a week with Moonbyul sending Solar a picture of a puppy via text.

They are great performers, unlike most girl groups in K-Pop, their main focus is their vocals, and music, which makes them much more musically sound than most K-Pop idol groups combined. That is why their fans, and non-fans refer to them as Artists rather than K-Pop Idols. Even though people complain that they do not dance much in their music, they make up for that in their vocal dominance. But, to prove a point to their haters they pulled off a wonderful choreography on their hit song HIP, which was created by Lia Kim. They proved themselves and told their haters that they will always be themselves and that will never change, also it’s okay for people to love and be themselves.

As professional as they can be, they are prominently known to be crackheads. They are known to have a lot of fun and be as loud as they can be. They even consider themselves perverts because of how racy they can make their performances when they do their concerts. They even make time for their fans and always are posting videos or going live on Vlive to speak with their fans


Mamamoo is so lovable, that if you just type their name on YouTube, you not only find their videos, TV show appearances, their performances, and fan meetings, but you also find YouTubers who react to not only to those contents but also to contents created by YouTubers who are fans of theirs. One example would be, Mamamoo are Crackheads, where there are many different YouTubers who made compilations of Mamamoo’s many hilarious and chaotic antics.

The Title says it all

Their top hit that says it’s okay to be yourself.

Blurred Lines meets Pink Panties

Greasy to the fullest!

Let the Backstabbing Commence!


There are people who do not deserve any mercy according to popular votes within society. In a way, they are neither right nor wrong on the subject of Undeserving. We are human and we are free to feel and believe what it is we want to believe.

That is where the dilemma resides, we as people have our own opinions, but we do not always agree with one another, and so a misunderstanding barrages between us as a society. For example, we as a society are separated by our own belief when it comes to religion as well as politics, which in itself is a controversial issue.

Many people who are religious, has always had an opinion about those who do not believe in a higher being and of the other religions and a judgment that either was good or bad, but are any of those beliefs undeserving to be followed or understood because of people preference and bias, no. Then we have politics, everyone belongs to a different party and there are those who opt-out of being an affiliate with any one of them. Yes, everyone has their own political view of what is right and wrong with the government, by the way, it’s functioning and the laws and policies passed down. The way the government is going now, this is the time of high alerts and blaming and shaming. But is anyone who has an opinion about politics and government undeserving, no.

That is why society itself is scary because a lot of people have lost their lives, because of society placing some invisible rule of who deserves mercy and who doesn’t. That is why there is still a stigma between the races in our society. Especially, between the African American community and the Caucasian community. There are too much stigma’s that need to be put out there and resolved because too many people are either losing their lives over them or losing themselves over them.

We as humanity, need to always keep this in mind, that we all bleed red, and that we cannot change who we are. We might be of different shades and different nationalities, but we bleed red. We should not turn our backs on our fellow human beings, because of our bias, rather fight against the grain.

This is a motto we should live by, even if it is difficult, especially with Trump and the climate we are in now.

Shitty World

Life is a risk. Living is a task. Breathing is a choice. Being real is challenging.

The world is shit, face it we live in a shitty world. We live in this world because people are shitty. Not in they are all crap, but a lot of people are pretentious, prideful, egotistic, manipulative, narcissistic, etc… The more people who want it to be better and try to fix it, a lot of idiots go and mess it up. What are we to do as a society that is separated by racism, sexism, and classicism?

If it was possible to give the world a makeover I would do it in a heartbeat. But, I am not Genie and this is not Aladdin. There is no music in the background and a chance for me to belt out A Whole New World. That is the reality.

The reality is that we as people are not perfect, and we do or do not change our ways. It’s not because we want to, but it’s to either go against the suffocation of society around us or to fit into that suffocating society. Those who are different are neither here or there.

Here is what I mean, those who are different do not want to either fit in or not fit in. They themselves just do not fit in, and in turn, they could either embrace it and find empowerment in it, or they deny it and break away from their norm and try to reinvent themselves.

People like that, are the ones that were considered the outcasts in school. But, what is wrong with being an outcast, nothing. Being an outcast should be embraced because what it ensues is a people who have their own perfection, that is not appreciated, but soon will be needed to help society move.

For example, Gamers were considered outcasts, but now they are revered, well not so much revered, but admired. They have given a lot of kids who love gaming hope that they can become successful. Another example would be AV nerds, they were considered the lowest of the low when it came to school hierarchy. Not saying they are popular now, but those same AV guys and girls are also the ones who become directors and direct movies, T.V. shows, and Music Videos.

So do we live in a shitty world, yes, but not because we need to, but because people let it be that way. That is why there are those who fight against the grain, to better society, but only so much can go far. Then again, we have to be optimistic, right?

We lived in so much crap for so long, that rather it gets better, there are those behind the scenes that prefer it to stay that way since there is profit in the world being Topsy Turvy.

Take for example the music industry, in the past music used to be wholesome, then it became music more rhythmic, from rhythmic it became loud, from loud it became hopping, from hopping now it is a trap. As music has progressed, public opinion has been different, but one thing we have agreed on in society is that music is music.

But why can’t we as people, see that people are just people. That humans are just humans. That wrong is wrong and right is right. What is wrong is how the world is going. What is right is trying to better it, progressively, without war, poverty, economic imbalance, greed, selfish pride, violence, power-hungry moguls, corrupted law system, corrupted law enforcement, corrupted government, racism, sexism, and classicism.

If that was possible, we would live in a Utopian world, but human beings either are or are not trustworthy. That is where optimism, sometimes die at. Yet, there are those who do not give up, even if what they think and believe, seems impossible to believe, those people you call Dreamers.

Those like Sanders, Warren, and AOC, are considered Dreamers, why because what they stand for and believe, seems out of the Norm for the U.S. But, then again seems as though the route many are starting to see as a reality, not because we are optimistic like these Dreamers, but we have reached a point of no return and are desperate, for a change and some good to finally happen.

Yes, we live in a shitty world. Yes, there is a lot to be done. Yes, there is a divide between what is right and wrong. But, we as a society, should know who to trust and who to ignore, and that is where we fail. Not everyone around you is truthful and here to help you. That is why people come into this world alone and die alone. We have to check our selves first before we can assume we understand or know others.


Travesty overwhelms me

Keeping me underground

I scream, but there is no sound

I cry, but the world moves

As I stay stagnant

Not to ever move forward or backward

Caught within my own misery

I try to be freed

But, my misfortunes trap me in between

the pain and anguish I live

I drown in my own pool

of blood

Lost to the world that

never knew me

Lost to the void

of my own lonely

Catastrophe is my Name


What it is like being Depressed and having Anxiety

Hi, my name is N.A. Jean, and I have been battling with Depression and Anxiety all my life. I know you are probably wondering why of all things is this blogger writing about her mental illness; well the truth is this is an outlet for me. I need to write to let it all out. If I don’t I feel as though I might implode, well not really, but I just feel as though life is particularly hard right now.

I particularly, haven’t been having the best of luck lately, well I do not think I have ever been on lucks side, maybe a little, I have never broken or fractured a bone in my body, if that can count as luck. But besides that, I do not think I have ever been happy in my life, no scratch that, I was probably happy the first five years of my life, but then everything changed and life became grim.

That turn was when my parents started arguing all the time, and I think that is when I started feeling anxiety, I think I was about six years old. I hated hearing my parents screaming matches, I literally would at times sit and try to block my ears and cry into my hands at night, because I felt as though my whole world was falling apart. There were times, I would put my dad in a chokehold, just so for a moment they would stop and get distracted, in trying to stop me from hurting my dad. I hated being around them and near them as a child. I felt as though I was stuck in a never-ending Monsoon.

Of course, a few years later, I think I was about 9 or 10 years old when they got divorced, but did that stop them from still having screaming matches, no, I just felt as though it was never going to end; at the same time I hated them both; because they chose to split up rather stay together and work it out. I think in a way, I still feel like that, just a little bit, because now seeing them get along, makes me wish they had tried it when I was younger. There is one thing I remember my dad had told me recently, which I am paraphrasing. The reason he decided to divorce was because of his and my mother’s personality differences, which caused them to clash all the time. It’s also the reason he chooses to stay in Philadelphia, rather live closer to me in Connecticut, because he knows, they are better parents and friends if they have a city in between them.

At first when I heard that I felt a little done with everything, because what hope do I have for my future because at 28 years old I still have not been in any relationship because I am so deathly afraid of committing to someone, that I find it hard to be around my own flesh and blood. I already been to two of my cousin’s weddings and already six, well soon seven of my cousins have kids, and one of my cousins is 22 years old. I feel as the time comes I feel I am stuck in this black hole, and I can’t get out of it. And seriously, in a slight way, my parents keep asking what am I doing with my life because when they were my age they were married and had me, and I am like why are you guys now bringing this up. Also, I feel even more scared because, unfortunately, I am my father’s only child, my mother at least has my younger brother to fall back on. But for me, I feel like, instead of it being my choice to get married and have a child, it has become my duty, because my father only has me, and that makes me feel even more depressed, and every time I think about that I feel anxiety. I am afraid of commitment and a future with kids, so I feel as though in many ways I am failing my dad. Even though he doesn’t bother me about that, I kinda feel he is holding unto hope of my future, that I myself do not see.

The hardest part about me having depression and anxiety is that I implode at the littlest things now, I used to be so calm. But, I think I have reached a point where too much stuff has happened in my life, especially losing my maternal grandma last year, March 5, 2018. She practically raised me and was confident for my mother, as well as the person that calmed her down, so she wouldn’t drive us kids crazy. She pretty much was the mediator between my mom and I, because of the fact our personalities are total polar opposites, I am a Scorpio and my mom is an Aries. When I was feeling down and needed someone to talk to because I never felt alright speaking with my mom she was the ear that listened to my woes; especially if it was a conflict between my mom and me, she would listen to me and in her sweet and loving way, would make me feel that I had a point, but would also make me understand my mom’s point of view as well. She even at times would tell me to sometimes ignore my mom, because sometimes, she is just blowing off steam. I miss her so much, she always knew what to say, to make things better, I think she was my beacon, even though I did feel depressed at times, she was my vitamin C. I think, for just a little while, I think I felt a little joy. Now that’s gone.

With my beacon gone, I try so many ways to get happy, but they are just jolts, like watching a movie, a show, listening to music, or just dancing to music; even writing. They are just pieces, that only last for a moment. Once they are gone, I am left with my thoughts, and anxiety consumes me. I think that is why I am always tired, and also why I can’t sleep at night, all I have is nightmares. I rather sleep during the day, because in some way the light outside, helps me to not dream, but when I close my eyes at night, just so much anguish, and pain, and confusion consumes my sleeping psyche.

There was a time, in my fit of depression, when I was thirteen, I tried committing suicide, but somehow I felt a force stopping me as if my life was worth something, but what. I am 28, depressed, full of anxiety, and afraid to fall asleep at night, because of what I see in my head. What I miss the most is those first five years of my life. I was happy then, and now I am a ticking time bomb. There are days, I think about how the world would be like without me in it. I am afraid of myself.

We Are F…ed

Feb. 23, 2018, written on now the past blog that I have deleted

Here is the reason why I say We are F…ed! It all has to do with history and the fallacy we choose to live in instead of fix. Just like the saying History has a way of repeating itself, well yes it does. That is what makes our water in a glass on the brink of tipping over. The more like-minded people keep on fighting, instead of listening to other like-minded people, we are stuck on F…!

Take, for example, me, I write this blog to release, but at the same time, I use this as my tool, to work on my writing, why you may ask yourself, to work on my journalism skills. Of course, my blogs do not actually follow the journalistic rules, but it comes on the lines of it. Well, besides that let’s say I have a way to word things, the way I wouldn’t be able to do on a newspaper, broadcast, radio, etc… Unlike these areas, I can do what I want on a blog. I am not censored.

Let’s just get back to the subject of my blog. Well here is how I know we are F…ed! We have a “President” that is a media whore! He is literally running the country as if it’s the F…ing Apprentice. I am neither a Liberal nor a Conservative; which in terms means I do not represent the Elephant nor the Donkey. I represent the group of people that actually can see through all the bull politicians throw at us and think we won’t be able to read between the bulls… lines.

Of course, they all say we have heard your concerns and we will work to make it better, that is not what I want to hear. A true person of substance and valor would actually be straight forward with everyone, and not start a racial war with every race in this country, hell the whole world. They would not praise the NRA. They wouldn’t even lower themselves to a speck, because they think insulting others just adding fire to an already lit furnace!

A true person knows not to tweet condolence to families that lost children in a school shooting, but rather make it their first priority to go visit each of those families individually and offer some type of assistance, not have an F…ing photo op! A real President does not attack those who do not agree with them. Rather try to come to terms that not everyone in Congress is on their side, and it’s up to them as Commander and Chief to fix what is broken, slowly and intelligently. Not running the country like it is a reality show, and the fact that this Administration has so much s… happening within it, there is no better way to express me, rather than; We are F…ed!